It can be hard to find the right words when someone you know and love tells you they’ve been diagnosed with lung cancer. This is especially true with this disease, given it is often, though not always, associated with lifestyle factors — smoking in particular.

One study reported that symptoms of depression were prevalent among people with lung cancer. In fact, depression is considered one of the most significant psychological challenges for people in this group. The study also highlighted research showing that higher depression levels were strongly associated with an increased stigma, and both had an impact on quality of life, particularly in people of African American descent.

Another study found that the stigma and prejudice associated with lung cancer has increased in the past 10 years. Because of that, many people report that even well-meaning comments are often tinged with blame.

Taylor Duck, a former soccer player who was diagnosed with lung cancer 14 years ago, when she was just 21, says she’s heard them all.

“There is immediate blame and shame, instead of the care and compassion that every other cancer survivor receives when they share their diagnosis,” Duck says.

Here’s what Duck says you shouldn’t say to someone with lung cancer.

1. ‘Do You Smoke?’

This question can be hurtful, because it implies the person deserved to get the disease. The fact is, as many as 20 percent of people who die of lung cancer each year have never smoked or used any form of tobacco, according to the American Cancer Society. And those who do or did smoke don’t welcome a lung cancer diagnosis, either, nor should they be made to feel ashamed. “No one deserves to have cancer, even if they made bad lifestyle choices like smoking,” Duck says.

“When someone asks me this after I tell them I’m a lung cancer survivor, my response is always, ‘Why do you ask? Would that make you care less?’” Duck says. “I’m sure it’s shocking to them when I respond that way, but that’s my goal. I want to stop them in their tracks to make them realize how insensitive that question is, so that hopefully they will never ask [it] again to anyone else.”

2. ‘How Did You Get It?’

“After they ask me if I smoked, and I respond no, the next question is always, ‘Well, then how did you get it?’” Duck says. Like the smoking remarks, this question suggests the person did something to bring on the cancer. “It always blows my mind,” Duck explains, “because no one asks a breast cancer survivor how they got their breast cancer.” There are many risk factors for lung cancer that can’t be controlled, such as a family history or exposure to secondhand smoke, radon, or air pollution. What’s more, research has suggested that the incidence of non-small cell lung cancer, the most common type of lung cancer, is on the rise in people who’ve never smoked. Moreover, new gene sequencing research shows that there is often a genomic origin — mutations caused by natural processes that happen inside the body — for lung cancer in people who have never smoked.

3. ‘I Knew Someone Who Died of Lung Cancer’

A negative outcome experienced by someone with lung cancer is not what a newly diagnosed person — or even a survivor — wants or needs to hear. “The intent is usually to try to make a connection, but people sharing about friends and family they used to know who died of the disease does not help make a connection. It scares people,” Duck says.

4. ‘My ______ Had Lung Cancer’

An overly optimistic take on someone else’s lung cancer experience can backfire as well. “Even if your account does have a happy ending, the person might draw comparisons and wonder why they aren’t experiencing the same results,” says Duck.

5. ‘I Heard About a Natural Remedy’

While you may be trying to be helpful, sharing something you read or saw about an alternative treatment or unproven cure can be counterproductive. According to Memorial Sloan Kettering Cancer Center, “Even though herbal remedies can feel safe, they may not all be safe. Herbal remedies do not go through the same testing as prescription medications to make sure they work and are safe.”

“Keep any and all medical advice to yourself, unless you have credible information and knowledge that may help the patient thrive,” Duck says.

What Should You Say to Someone Who Has Lung Cancer?

Often, nothing. Simply listening is an overlooked response and one many patients crave, says Duck. You don’t have to give advice, criticize, or fix things, says Duck. Just being present and listening can be a powerful form of support.

Among the comments people may want to hear:

1. ‘I’m Sorry You’re Going Through This’

A sincere statement of empathy is always welcome, even if it’s brief.

2. ‘How Are You Feeling?’ or ‘How Are Things Going Today?’

Open-ended questions like these provide an opportunity for the person to talk if they feel like it — and for you to listen.

3. ‘Can I Help You With ___?’

If you’d like to help with household chores or everyday tasks, be specific about your offer. Instead of saying, “Let me know if you need anything,” which puts the onus on them to ask or to come up with an idea, try something like, “Can I come over on Thursday and bring you groceries?”

4. ‘I Don’t Know What to Say’

It’s okay to be honest if you’re at a loss for words. Your candidness and sincerity will most likely be refreshing, and a shared moment of silence could be just what your friend or loved one needs.

In addition, the American Cancer Society and CaringBridge offer tips for how to support someone you care about who has been diagnosed with cancer.

Lastly, it might be helpful to read about the shame and guilt many patients with lung cancer experience. The American Lung Association has developed guidelines and resources for addressing the stigma in the lung cancer community.

Conor Steuer, MD

Medical Reviewer

Conor E. Steuer, MD, is medical oncologist specializing in the care of aerodigestive cancers, mesothelioma, and thymic malignancies and an assistant professor in the department of hematology and medical oncology at the Emory University School of Medicine in Atlanta. He joined the clinical staff at Emory's Winship Cancer Institute as a practicing physician in July 2015. He currently serves as chair of the Lung and Aerodigestive Malignancies Working Group and is a member of the Discovery and Developmental Therapeutics Research Program at Winship.

Dr. Steuer received his medical degree from the New York University School of Medicine in 2009. He completed his postdoctoral training as a fellow in the department of hematology and medical oncology at the Emory University School of Medicine, where he was chief fellow in his final year.

He has been active in research including in clinical trial development, database analyses, and investigation of molecular biomarkers. He is interested in investigating the molecular biology and genomics of thoracic and head and neck tumors in order to be able to further the care of these patient populations. Additionally, he has taken an interest in utilizing national databases to perform clinical outcomes research, as well as further investigate rare forms of thoracic cancers.

Steuer's work has been published in many leading journals, such as Cancer, the Journal of Thoracic Oncology, and Lung Cancer, and has been presented at multiple international conferences.

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Julie Lynn Marks

Author

Julie Marks is a freelance writer with more than 20 years of experience covering health, lifestyle, and science topics. In addition to writing for Everyday Health, her work has been featured in WebMD, SELF, Healthline, A&E, Psych Central, Verywell Health, and more. Her goal is to compose helpful articles that readers can easily understand and use to improve their well-being. She is passionate about healthy living and delivering important medical information through her writing.

Prior to her freelance career, Marks was a supervising producer of medical programming for Ivanhoe Broadcast News. She is a Telly award winner and Freddie award finalist. When she’s not writing, she enjoys spending time with her husband and four children, traveling, and cheering on the UCF Knights.